diary of a girl

Dear Jesse,

You’re asleep right now. I finished The Notebook, but you already know the ending, right? I like listening to you sleep. It is comforting to know that even though you’re there and I’m here, you exist. And right now that’s enough for me. I know things are really rough right now. For you especially. I just wish that no matter what you will be happy. You deserve it all. I know I’ve hurt you so much in the past, and every time it’s brought up in our conversations, it cuts us both and reopens scars that may never heal. But I just wanted to tell you that I don’t think I could ever live without you in my life. Even if I have to stay nothing more than a friend forever, I can live with that. I’ll be here. I don’t care if it hurts me to see anyone else be that special person for you. I want to be a better person and I believe that helping you through all the bumpy roads you have to take is the best place to start. 

I have to admit, in the beginning when we first started talking again, I had my guard up so high it hit the clouds…But you being you, and like the Notebook, you came flowing back into my life again. You’ve done it a hundred times already, but each time it’s like a miracle. I really did miss  you. Every time I read anything about love, relationships, friendships, boys, it’s you Jesse. Sometimes I really hate it that you’re the only one who pops into my head…but other times I just want to cry all day in my bed because I let you go. I have never fallen for anyone so hard in my life. You make my emotions so wild I can never contain myself when I am thinking about you. When you say something that upsets me, I cry. When you say something so sweet it could melt me like chocolate, I fall even harder. I don’t know if we will ever be able to get close to what we used to be, but I just wanted to let you know how I feel.

I admit that earlier I was sad because I saw that you really did move on. I’m really happy for you. I just can’t help feeling sad and regretful. You still flirt with me like back then…I love every moment of it. I just do not know how to feel about it because I feel that your heart belongs with her now. I don’t mean for this to be upsetting. I am just in love with you.


(Source: tropicvibes-fridd)

(Source: menamarco)

I’m trying to hold it in

Trying not to think about it too much

I want you to be happy

As much as I want you all for myself

Your happiness should always come first

I will never tell you that it kind of bothers me when you talk about her like that

I will never show you that side of me

I want to try to be a better person

And I believe that doing this should be where I start

I owe that much to you since I have hurt you a lot in the past

Please let this be over soon so I don’t have to hide anymore

I was doing fine, kind of. I still try to look for you. I’m catching myself doing it constantly when I’m on that dumb game. I tried to avoid you. I did for a few days. Now that I saw you again it’s like I’m a dumb 13 year old again wanting you back. Or maybe it was because of that message. But whatever the reason may be, you love her now. I hope you are as happy as you have ever been. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you when you needed me the most.

There is a reason for everything.

I loved you, every inch of you, every insane idea that has gone through your crazed head. I loved you. And, in all honesty I think I still do.


-Things I’ll Never Be Able To Tell You

(via w-reck4ge)

A Story A Day #125